


boys like you always get to see ireland

by Stellonia



Category: Legally Blonde - Hach/O'Keefe/Benjamin, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Advice, Legally Blonde AU, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Self-Reflection, it's the most self indulgent thing i've written.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 18:51:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10882848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stellonia/pseuds/Stellonia
Summary: “I don’t know!” He yells, then becomes painfully aware of his outburst. “Sorry my man, I mean - I’ve just had the shittiest day of my life."“Wanna talk about it?” Merle asks in a soothing tone. The elf glares at him.“Don’t you have anything better to do?”“Nope!” He chuckles, and gives a corny smile. “So c’mon. Spill.”Taako has a bad day. Merle thinks about the old times. Davenport has a package.





	boys like you always get to see ireland

**Author's Note:**

> ireland has always felt like... a very Merle song to me, and for some reason my post on tumblr abt a davenchurch legally blonde au got some likes, so here i am, with the Content,

A country song he’s heard before, but couldn’t name, plays on the radio. Merle sweeps, eying the clock. It’s almost the end of his shift. He briefly gets excited, then remembers he doesn’t have anyone waiting for him and he only has the shitty beer Magnus likes.

 

_ Ring!  _ The doorbell chimes, interrupting his brooding.

 

“Welcome to the Hair Affair!” He says, conditioned by the sound. He turns to measure up the new customer. He’s a young elf, blond curly hair with brown roots showing. He makes the look work. Besides his hair, the other thing of note is his expression: desperate and tired.

 

“I need a dye job,” he says. “Can you do that for me?”

 

“Of course I can! Relax, come take a seat,” he gestures towards a chair. “Just some touch up on the roots, or…?”

 

“I don’t know!” He yells, then becomes painfully aware of his outburst. “Sorry my man, I mean - I’ve just had the shittiest day of my life.”

 

“Wanna talk about it?” Merle asks in a soothing tone. The elf glares at him.

 

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

 

“Nope!” He chuckles, and gives a corny smile. “So c’mon. Spill.”

 

“Oh why the hell not, what’s one more blow to the ego?” He spins the chair to face him. “So, I had this boyfriend, Greg. We were together since freshman year, and I thought he was gonna propose to me. But he broke up with me because he was headed off to law school and I wasn’t ‘serious’ enough for him.”

 

“Can you believe that shit? I’m not all goof goof dildo, I’m multidimensional! I wanted to prove to him I was serious, so I studied my ass off and got into Harvard.”

 

“That’s a good school!” Merle says.

 

“Yeah, I fucking crushed it. But I got kicked out of class on the first day, and Greg already has a new boyfriend,” He pulls on his hair in agony. 

 

“What’s this new boy got that you ain’t got?”   
  


“Nothing! But I thought - maybe I just needed a new look, to show him I really have changed. That,” he sighs, “that’s a dumb idea, isn’t it? And now I’m venting to a rando hairstylist.” Merle steeps on a stool and gently pats him on the back.

 

“How about this? I’ll touch up your roots and get those split ends, on the house,” He says. “And, I’ll even give you some of my ol’ wisdom.”

 

“And here I was wondering what the catch was,” he mutters.

 

“Don’t snark at me, I’ve had my fair share of breakups,” he says, readying his supplies. “Oh - I never asked for your name, did I? I’ve got a bad habit of that - I’m Merle. Merle Highchurch. And you?”   
  


“Taako, and-” Merle laughs.

 

“L-like the food?”

 

“I was _ just _ about to tell you not to say that!”

 

“Sorry, kiddo,” he says, not sorry. He begins his work, and hums to the familiar tune on the radio.

 

“What the fuck is up with this station?” He complains. “Why does he wanna fuck a tractor?”

 

“You don’t like Kenny Chesney?” He says with sincere shock. Taako vigorously shakes his head. “Fine, I’ll put on a different CD.”

 

He goes to the rack and picks out a CD,  _ Celtic Moods, _ a favorite despite it’s sad origin. He puts it on and mixes the dye.

 

“This was a wedding present from my ex father-in-law,” he says.

 

“That’s a shitty wedding present,” Taako says, then adds. “I mean - it’s a nice CD, but it’s not like, nice enough for a  _ wedding _ .”

 

“It was pretty bad,” he chuckles. “We were gonna go to Ireland for our honeymoon, I think that’s where he was coming from. Never did make it there.”   
  


“Why not?”

 

Merle suddenly regrets sharing such a personal story with a stranger, but if he’s in for a penny he’s in for a pound.

 

“We got married in the summer, tourist season, and business was too lucrative to miss even a day. But then she got pregnant and life got hectic. By the time we could have gone, we were already unhappy together.” Merle tells the story clinically, the divorce happened years ago and the wounds aren’t fresh.

 

“That’s some rough shit.”

 

“Yeah,” he agrees. “But y’know, it’s still a nice CD. When I have a shitty day I just put this on and imagine I’m in Ireland with a handsome sailor. Hecuba always said she was Irish, but only on St. Patrick's Day.”

 

“But I promised you advice, didn’t I? You can try and change yourself to make someone like you, but it’ll never be worth it. And besides, you’re good looking and young, not crusty like me. You won’t have trouble finding a man to take you to Ireland. Just be sure to send me a postcard, okay?”

 

-

 

“Soo,” he drawls, putting on a clear bottom coat. “Who was that boy helping ya’ study?”

 

Taakp groans. “He was none of your business,  _ old man. _ ”

 

“Well, he looked like a real catch,” he winks.

 

“Don’t start with that Merle, Krav is, he-,” he stutters before committing. “- he’s just a friend.”

 

“I wish I had a friend who looked at me like that,” he says under his breath, tempting fate.

 

_ Ring! _

 

“Welcome to the Hair Aff-” He goes speechless at the sight of the visitor, but stammers out, “Th-the Hair Affair.”

 

A gnome in a UPS uniform, about as old as Merle but aging well. Bright red hair with flecks of silver, deep blue eyes that were doing something to him. He could feel his heart beating in his chest.

 

“Hello, I-I’m Davenport. I got this new route and this is my first stop of the day,” Davenport says, fiddling with his pen. “I guess I got pretty lucky!”

 

“Huh?” His mind goes blank and the gnome goes red.

 

“You - uh - you seem like someone I’d like to get to know better, so -”

 

“Oh, yeah! Duh, uh, I got lucky too. The last postman was a real ass and you - you don’t look like an ass, so I’d like to get to know you better too. I’m Merle.”

 

They gaze into each other's eyes for a moment - Pan have mercy, Taako would never let him live this down - and then Davenport remembers his package. He sticks it out, “Uh, sign here, please.”

 

Their hands touch briefly as he hands over the pen, and Merle feels like a teenager again.

 

“I’ll uh, see you tomorrow. Right?” He asks hopefully.

 

“You can count on it,” he says. As soon as he’s out the door Taako begins to cackle.

  
“He looks like a  _ real catch, _ Merle!”

**Author's Note:**

> i'm at @theadventurezoneoftruth on tumblr! thank you for reading!
> 
> also, on greg as warner: so like. warner is a complete and utter asshole, but he's just a pisskid. he isn't a ratbag, he hasn't fucking murdered people. so i didn't wanna make a legitimate villain warner, y'know? so i just did greg fucking grimaldis, since i imagine he's a pisskid.


End file.
